by Christine Hargan, BSc (Hons) Psychology
 www.whatsholdingyouback.biz 
 

GRIEF

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow When compared with the pain of never risking love.”

Oh what a difficult subject….Never is there such a time in life when you encounter such a diversity of feelings, as when you lose someone close. The traditional meaning of grief is mourning for the loss of someone who has died, but although most people intuitively think it’s about losing someone through a bereavement grief is a normal reaction to the massive, life changing dismay of losing someone, or something that is deeply valued, or loved.

Grief includes a wide variety of physical and emotional symptoms, you may feel isolated, alone, vulnerable, helpless, angry, or indignant and to make matters worse, if you’ve lost someone close, your friends and people around you may either try really hard to help, bringing you help, food, clothing wanting to take away your washing – actually anything that will make them feel useful, they can expect (almost demand that) you talk to, or confide in you to the point of intrusion or they feel so awkward that they steer a very wide berth and make you feel awkward.

If you are grieving you may feel:
• Shock or disbelief.
• Denial.
• Anger.
• Guilt.
• Sadness
• Fear
• Depression.
• Acceptance
• Hope for the future.
• None of the above

On the other hand you may feel many of the above. Are you (or your feelings) normal, or typical? The simple answer is your feelings are normal for you. Everyone has their own set of beliefs, standards and thoughts, therefore you will experience life in a different way to many other people; so why would you expect to experience a loss in the same way as others?

Some of the most unhelpful comments overheard are (in hushed voices) oh s/he’s much better than we expected, s/he seems to be coping really well. We’re really worried about him/her..s/he isn’t talking about it…. We are really trying hard to help and s/he’s just really angry we’re worried… I think s/he really needs help

If you or someone near to you are grieving, the worst thing that can happen is to have other people’s fears and insecurities forced upon you. Why would you judge anyone? Why would you expect to be judged?

Did you know that whilst grief can mean mourning the death of someone close, it can also mean the loss of a feeling of safety after a crime such as a burglary or personal attack? It can be for a lost relationship, a pet, something that is valued such as a job. In this climate this year, many people are grieving for jobs, missed opportunities and even life that has passed them by. It’s more about a state of mind than having hard and fast rules. The important theme is that you will go through a number of stages before you emerge through the final stage - hope for the future.

So how long will it take for me to feel better? It could be months or years it will really depend upon your personality, whether you had a chance to come to terms with your loss prior to it happening, it also depends upon, what has happened and also what you are grieving for. But if you need to talk pick up the phone and call the number below.

A simple definition of grief “a psychological reaction to something, or someone that is missing; the discrepancy between our world that is and our world that ‘should be’” (C Murray-Parkes)

As grief is a reaction to something that is missing individual reactions to ‘missing’ the someone or something are very different because everyone’s perceptions, reactions, expectations and life experience are different. As everyone responds differently one person may want time alone, to regroup and come to terms with their loss, whereas another may want to throw him/herself into activity, and to allow their transition to fall into place, naturally. Difficulties, however, are not just for the bereaved; many people fear the potential embarrassment, of a public display of emotion; and simply not knowing how to deal with it; or they are simply afraid of making things worse. For this reason some people will avoid the bereaved completely, or over compensate with offers of help and food, simply because doing something to help, will make them feel better.

Given that it’s human nature to want what you can’t have grief can be particularly acute if the person who is lost is the one you would turn to for your greatest needs and these can be physical, emotional, financial or come under another category altogether.

If you’ve lost a partner, you will, want what you can’t have and it is common, particularly if the relationship was really strong to become involved with a new partner very quickly after losing a mate- the reason could be feelings of lost sexuality; desperately needing to be wanted, desired, needed and indeed to have fulfilment. But very often people simply crave ‘normality’; for the recently bereaved normality has gone and one common feeling is that they will never be normal again - what is more normal than to be in a strong, loving, supportive relationship?

Many cultures expect the bereaved to find a new partner very quickly, so after a few weeks pressure may be expressed to look, or indeed you may be introduced to prospective mates….. and that is really difficult. The bereaved could be seen as a good catch, particularly if they have had an insurance pay-out, and for younger people, the house is likely be paid for. Sometimes people become promiscuous – wanting what they can’t have, or simply wanting to prove themselves, when they do however, find a partner it is very common to be unable to ’perform’, because, their expectations are off kilter, so although one problem is resolved another has been created.

Often it’s simply the differences that are so hard to bear, a new partner may not like many of the things the previous partner did – and what is comforting to one party ie to have their possessions on display and to talk about them, oh that belonged to…. s/he loved that oh have I told you about when…..? Whilst it’s important to talk about the one who is lost, this may be uncomfortable for the new partner, if this is a repeated source of conversation. It is so very difficult, for both parties to talk about their feelings and admit that they have a problem, because they simply don’t want to upset the new partner. Guilt is very common, and perhaps they feel they’re being unfaithful, it may even be that the new partner responds very differently, and if the new relationship fails the feelings are compounded.
On the other hand it’s quite common to go the other way and be fearful of attachment, either because you don’t feel ready, or that you fear another loss. Everyone is different.

Did the lost one offer emotional support? If when faced with your biggest problem you have lost your central means of support you are turning toward someone, or something that is no longer there. You are left with a major dilemma who do I ask, who can I trust, what do I do now? Most societies have people in the roles of wise men/women, elders doctors, sharmans, priests, care-givers, to help people who are in transition between stages of loss – doctors and sharmans for example may issue pills and potions, or at least prescriptions for them, priests may offer rituals, that can be comforting, community elders may offer their words of wisdom and practical help.
For practical support there are many organisations that can help and advise, but emotional support?, that is a vast void to fill, friends and family will no doubt step in but either, under, or over compensate. Often though it is simply a perception and looking back you will find that the support offered, is simply different. If, through no fault of your own the main means of support and comfort has been severed, or, replaced with a less effective one your loss will be so much harder to bear, as discussed in the last article. There are also professionals who can offer emotional support, but often the hardest thing to do is to accept that you need help and to simply ask for it.
 

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Christine Hargan, BSc (Hons) Psychology; Specialises in and treats the causes and effects of emotional disorders, confidence and addiction based issues with hypnotherapy, NLP and psychotherapy. For further information www.whatsholdingyouback.biz